Don't believe a thing I say

The other thing I hate that I'm aware of

I feel deeply unhappy. Had massive headache and almost felt like throwing up on the bus back from Massey. Partly from eating eggs in the salad, partly from what made me eat those salads. 

So I have finally resoluted not to go to OCF anymore today after this last time, because of "people" as I would excuse myself in front of my classmates who invite me there out of good intention I must say, but I just don't belong there, and that's the reason whythat I'm so unhappy there. When I'm with all these perfectly happy Christian friends who are enjoying their fellowship and I'm an outsider just trying to camouflage myself so I can blend into their happy faces. I feel sadness more than anything else. 

I want to say to my good friends' eyes, that I don't believe in GOD, because I don't believe he exists because I don't give a shit about who created us as humans and who created animals for us to use. That's not my world. We are too different in something fundamental that I can't socialise in this way, your way. So I think there is finally a resolution, good. I hope this is not going to be another quit-or-not-quit situation as in vet school. By the way, I have decided on that matter as well. I'm going to finish my studies and become a vet but first I need to take a year off and do something else that is not as depressing and suffocating as university life. 

Before uni started a week ago, I was so happy and free and kind to everyone and full of energy and spirit and such. After a week of uni, sad, inhibited because of people who overstimulate me, unmotivated, feeling I'm an outsider. Hell yeah, I might just go to the counsellor so frequently this year that they might suggest me take a year off. 

OK I have to mention, so as not to overreact to things. I felt immensely better when someone I know and quite like (of course not romanticly, I hate that specific usage of common words) recognised me when we were getting off the bus, and there wasn't a long way to walk before we had to part ways, and thank goodness no small talks anymore like at OCF tonight. I just hate small talks..... I feel embarassed saying all the things and answering repeated questions that I don't feel like I'm uttering those words but I'm inspecting someone who is uttering the words for me. 

Small talks are dishonest in a way, because you don't know each other, so you can't necessarily say what you really want to say, unless you are a simple-brained animal with very abundant kindness to the world and no skeptism at all. Which is not me, although I love my simple way of thinking and doing practical things that don't involve spending too much of my tactfulness or presenting likeable to others. I am a simple person with simple people, and I am a sad person with a bunch of people that I have no chance of making connection with at the same time when they are doing the small talk trick to get to know each other. 

Having said that, I guess I'm just anxious and start to stutter when I'm in a huge group of strangers who I have to talk to somehow otherwise I look lonely and miserable. It's ok to do small talks with one or two people because then we can move quickly from small to actual talks and really get to share each other's life a bit. Yeah I acknowledge I'm a simple person, and people trigger fight or flight response in me so I don't know what to act or how to say things in an unembrassing way.

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