Don't believe a thing I say

梁漱溟

我们不能像其他时代的人那样,可以不用心思。因为我们这个时代,亟待改造。我们要用心思替民族并替人类开出一个前途,创造一个新的文化。不是各自求一国的富强而止的那回旧事。

我们生在今日谁都推脱不了这责任。你们年轻的同学,责任更多。你们眼前的求学重在成己,末后却要重在成物。眼前不忙着有表现,却必要立志为民族为世界解决大问题。这样方是合与宇宙大生命的创造精神,而实践了人生的意义。

——《人生的意义》

逐求是世俗的路,郑重是道德的路,而厌离则为宗教的路。所谓出入儒释,都是经过厌离生活,然后重又归来尽力于当下之生活。故非心里极干净,无纤毫贪求之念,不能尽力生活。

——《三种人生态度》

人生没有什么价值可评,如其寻问,那么不论何人当下都已圆足无缺无欠(不待什么事业、功德、学问、名誉,或什么好的成就,而后才有价值)。人生没有什么责任可负,如其寻问,那么只有当下自己所责之于自己的。人生快乐就在生活本身上,就在活动上,而不在有所享受于外。

大约一个人都蕴蓄着一团力量在内里,要藉着一种活动发挥出来,而后这个人一生才是舒发的,快乐的,也就是合理的。喜欢一种科学,就弄那种科学;喜欢回家种地,就去种地;找个地方把自家的力气用在里头,让他发挥尽致,这样便是人生的美满,这样就有了人生的乐趣。

我们眼看着一般人死命的东寻西找,真是可怜!虽然他们的宝贝就藏在家里,他却不自知,走遍天涯那是永远不能找到的。

——《合理的人生态度》

在青年时代,很想求得自己所要求的人生生活,不愿模模糊糊的过下去。此种多少含有一点与众不同的意思,很容易看着庸众生活的讨厌。凡是特殊的生活,其性质总带不合理的意味。由激越转入的平实,方为真正的平实,否则恐怕是凡庸。要求合理的生活,只有完全听凭直觉。

——《合理的人生生活》

A happy version of me is never found at university

From the first homeless that I talked to. We talked for more than half an hour, and he made me realise there is this big hole in my life - constantly I feel the need to improve myself here and there, but the big hole is the reason I'm not happy: I've been so self-centred, everything about me me me, but what is the real struggle of life and death and pure surviving remains a question untouched. I had too much to think after our conversation that I almost felt I would faint, as I couldn't catch up with all the thoughts that fired in my brain like fireworks. Wow. I thought about Thoreau, talk with classmate about money and human's benchmarking with the society, how people believe we are born to be unequal and then stop thinking about improving others' conditions. I thought about all the food being wasted, the stupid rules about supermarkets throwing stuff away and people can't take them but get charged with offending law, business and its ugly dehumanising power.......
Thoreau kept popping in my mind: how philanthropy is a hypocrisy to him, how he would "run away if someone is coming to him for the intention of doing him good", how he manages to live "poorly" but behave like a gentleman........ It's so real, life is too real to be spent drinking and partying and forgetting about this shit

Magic day!

My bike has been found!

Life is good again!!!!


Wako asked if I'd like to join her to go "deep south" this winter break, to walk Central Otago rail trail, so I smiled and said yes

特别开心,把正确的人和正确的事connect起来了,觉得即使我自己什么都干不了,能把可以共同努力的人汇集到一起也是一种贡献吧

Move on

I asked the Green Bike Trust guy Peter if I could come and help him out for a couple days a week and he seems to be happy for an extra hand esp for admin stuff. He is my favourite type of people, quiet, work with their hands, simple. His work is to recycle people's used bikes and put the bits that work fine onto others' bikes. He also hires out good quality bikes for students etc.

I first met Peter when he came and knocked on our door about our couchsurfer Theo's rental bike. Turned out it was a mistake of the due date but that was the time when I thought, I want to see what this guy does in his bike workshop. He looked like a guy who's not going to say much, but everything he says will be good and honest.

Then I came to get a new tyre for my old friend the Yukon bike, and enjoyed watching him working a lot. At that time he had a school boy coming to help every day. Not anymore because he's gone to UCOL. So I took my chance and asked if he would like to take me in!

He is such an interesting man, I think I will enjoy working with him.

On Saturday I kept looking for it after work, just on foot quite aimlessly. In the afternoon I took a nap because I was seriously dizzy and my mood started to plummet. I came out of my bed when I heard so much noise in the lounge - it was Hide coming back from the street where he raised money for his travel by asking people for donations. So Hide was sharing his stories of the day with Wako, lots of laughters and happiness. I came out and looked at Hide's photos for a bit but I couldn't utter a word, because I was far from a happy place. I left and went to toilet where my mood just swayed and hit the ground. I remembered how when I was sleeping I had forgot about the bike and was in peace, when my restaurant manager called me that woke me up very suddenly and I was not in the state to say anything logically. I didn't pick it up and he started messaging me, asking if I could come to work that night. I couldn't, because I had told him I was going to this environmental film festival with Wako and plus I had very little sleep and was exhausted. Then I tried to go back to sleep when Marie called me, asking if I needed picking up to the theatre. 

So I was in the toilet, thinking why everybody wanted something from me, and why nobody would ever understand my situation, my feelings because they are so subtle and out of this world filled with insanity. I couldn't come back through the lounge again because tears were going to burst any moment, and there were happy people on my way back to my dark silent room. I turned right, and it was raining in the backyard, just as if it was a scene set for me. I sat down on the wet ground, crouched on my knees and started crying. I cried because I felt so cut off from the world. When a week ago I was so so so happy because of what people did for me, how they showed me their kindness through offering help when I lost my bike, and moreover how my bike magically came back to me. And then a week later I tried so hard to keep positive and become a fighter myself instead of relying on others to look for it, but nothing pays off and I made myself and my flatmate and coushsurfer stay up so late and worried about me. 

I cried there in the rain, feeling as if I was melting away into the floor just like how the rain was running down my thin jumper. I must have been there for a lifetime when I heard someone coming close. It was Hide, he asked 'are you ok?' and I couldn't say anything, because anything I tried to say would have been very blurred by my sobering. I covered my face with two hands and buried into my knees. He patted on my head, and I heard some noise of him taking of his jacket and laid it on me. Then there was no more noise. I started to cry even more, had no idea what I was doing and how it affected people around me. I stayed there for a while, looking at the rainy backyard, a peaceful and desperately gloomy scene. 

I felt the weight of Hide's waterproof jacket on me, which was how I gathered enough strength to stand up and come back to life again. Hide was not in the house, and Wako neither. I thought maybe they moved into Wako's room to talk so as not to disturb me. Marie came soon after and I had to function again. But Wako was sleeping and Hide wasn't anywhere. I started to worry, because I had his jacket. We had to leave soon for the movie and that was when Hide came back, apparently wet from running outside. He said to me 'sorry I couldn't find your bike' and at that moment, I thought 'fuck this, why was I so irresponsive to his 'are you ok'? If I had said anything he probably wouldn't run out at that time to search for something that would never be found again. I could find no expression to tell him my guilty gratitude, no words really could describe my feeling at that time. I tried saying 'you didn't have to do this' but it just sounded really off. I tried many times on our way to the movie start so I guess he understood. 

Today when he came back from uni, he poured the coins and notes he got yesterday onto the table, saying 'this is for you, you can buy a new bicycle'. I almost wanted to cry again or punch him or do something to that degree to punish his funniness... I liked him so much just for what he did that moment. Yeah I think he's crazy. And funny. I told him I could never ever take his money for something like a bike, when he doesn't even have enough money to buy a ferry ticket to go down south. He said with his broken English that he traveled to help people, and he wants to give this money to Palmy, and he will earn money in Wellington. I laughed and asked him how much money he had left, he said $43 from Auckland. He raised something like $37 yesterday. Then he took out the biggest note ($10) and looked at me, said 'this is to... pay for my stay'. I laughed again because I never felt somebody is so funny before - I told him with so much joy that I wouldn't take his money for anything. He then asked me to give all the money to the homeless here in Palmy. That I agreed with. 

We then talked about travels, plans and his life back in Japan. I pulled out my lonely planet and he showed me his university is in Kanazawa, and he was born in Toyama, and he grew up close to Mito near a river. 

He said he worked part-time job every day before he came to NZ (on his first day with us on Thursday) and I found it funny and said "isn't that a full time job?" He told me today that he stayed with his Chinese friend who is doing business college in Tokyo and worked in a net cafe for 3 weeks to save up enough money for the return plane tickets. Suddenly it made sense to me of his whole story. He's taking some time off and will return to Japan and graduate from robotic studies next year. Then he doesn't know what. I think I might go to Japan and see his city if I get a chance. I told him I don't like flying, but there is a ferry from Shanghai to Osaka. Then we checked the map on LP and from Osaka to Kanazawa isn't very far. I asked if I can hitchhike, he thought so and he could pick me up from the train station. We kept playing Kentama the Japanese toy and looking at maps of New Zealand and Japan. I felt thrilled to be thinking of being on the road again, in Central Otago on the bike trail (I told him I will not lose a bike ever again), or in Japan visiting Kanazawa's samurai history and gardens, or cycling from Osaka along the coast to Tokyo, or going to the mountains...

Life feels good when you are with simple people, that's been my principle for the time being. This time it is certainly proved again. 


When I think of my bike now, I no longer think of the rage and despair when I found out that it got stolen (again)
I remember two people
One is my classmate Kugan who biked around Palmy for more than half an hour and asked people on the street for any suspicious people passing by. He just so damn luckily found the bike lying in front of someone's house, and from the description I gave him when we came out of the library together he confronted the teens who stole it while talking to me on the phone, reassuring them and myself that it was my bike. 
The second one is my couchsurfer. When I lost it again this Friday night after 10pm, Wako called me wondering where I was, and I told her briefly cos I couldn't really think straight, that I was heading to the police station again. I must have sounded very tough that night to everybody I met, the police, restaurant owners, pub guards, homeless... I was convinced that if I went to look for it I would find it just like how my classmate did. I was so sure, it was just a matter of time and the distance I covered. But Wako and my couchsurfer Hide, they showed up at the police station when I was doing my records. They wanted to walk me home. But I got on the car and looked around Palmy with my restaurant manager. Of course they didn't think it was a wise thing to do to walk around alone at night, and being typical Chinese they were not convinced about any possibility. 
I came home and functioned like a machine, got on the spare bike and rode around on the streets close to us, then the square, around pubs where drunk people accumulated. That was when Wako and Hide and another surfer of Wako's came in. They found me again and wanted to help me. So we split into two groups, me and Hide searched one side of square, Wako and Mitsu the other. 
We didn't find anything, and got home around 1am. I had to go to sleep because I had work at 7am in the morning. 

Your mood is the best filter

Never felt so happy before.
When I found out that my bike was stolen, my classmates were all so worried and they made amazing efforts to help me. Jen, Kugan, Marie, Neha, Margaret, Ashleigh... These people that I talk to but never think I would have any relationship with, suddenly made my life so enriched because they showed me their care when I was desperate....

Jen and Kugan, these are amazing human-beings. I felt so happy because of such people's existence among us, and they are often ignored until when something happens and then the luckiest thing is they will be there for you when you need them.

Anaesthesia thoughts

Things tend to go the way with least resistance

That's why I procrastinate, completely in denial of the tasks I gave myself

Baobabs

Went to see the first film in Reel Earth Environmental Film Festival. The whole film was quiet, simple, following the scientist and his local helpers in Madagascar, canoeing to get to different islands and measure baobab trees. 

There was one scene that I almost cried. Some local village, the people believe that you can only take enough from the ocean to sustain yourself. If you take more than that, the god of ocean will revenge on you, the boat will sink and your fishing net will be empty. Simple, and it made me so joyful that I was moved to tears. Yet the younger migrants are burning more forests than ever being done before, threatening the baobabs and struggling themselves to have a feed. 

I was telling Wako how it made me wonder, all the problems in the western world is so superficial/superfluous. Does it matter if you earn 50,000 or 40,000 a year? It's still more than enough to make a living. And somewhere else people, maybe they have different skin colour and wear different clothes, are herding cattle, collecting fruits from baobab trees to make juice, when there is a cyclone their whole village will be destroyed and they need to take refuge in a baobab tree for a week. Yet they have beautfiul smiles, make wonderful boats and have such abundant knowledge about sailing the ocean. How touching is it! Like what Camus wrote in Outsider, I can't help feeling overwhelmed by the tender indifference of this world. 

My emergency contact, from someone who has left us ages ago

Happy day filled with banana cakes

work

An invisible hand overshadows my life

Stress from work, comes from not being able to communicate with people in the way I do well in

Ketan sat in front of the table, talked to me across the lounge, across Wako and Waolee who were into their phones

How it feels like working behind the counter in the uni dining hall

Even though it's what they call a free society, people still tend to look down on you, if you stand over on the other end serving them

Sometimes he talks about physics equations to pre-vet students and made them real stoked, how did this man who scoops my dinner know this stuff?

He would often give people heaps of food, because he knows in the end it would go wasted otherwise, even though he has been told off a few times

He was serving some girls when they should have one scoop, and Ketan gave them two scoops, just casually said "that was one big scoop aye" and they all started to laugh

What a bitter and sweet feeling it must be at that moment, when you don't know what they laugh exactly about

He mentioned again that once his manager came to talk to the workers, and all the workers were trying to flatter him "oh a nice tie" dadada, and the manager just went to grab a plate full of food, sat down and ate in front of everyone. Ketan and the rest are not allowed any leftovers. No free food and everything goes to pigs.

What a strangely cruel world

He left me speechless for a moment, then he said, yup, not a lot of places like this flat aye, such a community spirit, maybe you just take it for granted. 

In comparison, I get free dinner from the restaurant job. 

I get free veges and fruits from market, free food from Jonathan and Angela and I don't even work for them, just helping out with some Chinese typing stuff

Ketan asked me what Jason would do if I don't take the bananas for free, I said I don't know, probably just go to waste

and I told them multiple times that I don't mind taking the almost rotten overripe stuff home and do something with them, because I just hate wasting food

So here he was, talking to me about his work over banana bread and muffins Wako made from the free bananas Jason and Barry gave me.

And I'm glad I called to ask him to pick up some bananas home. He's also taking some for Sandeep and Rachael, for trade he said. I asked trade what? He laughed, just friendship aye.

🙂How good is that feeling when someone you really look up to have this perception of you, which is the person you happen to aspire to be. I love Anna in her simple honesty and struggles with her decisions and moral judgements, because it's what represents life in its highest standards.

The other thing I hate that I'm aware of

I feel deeply unhappy. Had massive headache and almost felt like throwing up on the bus back from Massey. Partly from eating eggs in the salad, partly from what made me eat those salads. 

So I have finally resoluted not to go to OCF anymore today after this last time, because of "people" as I would excuse myself in front of my classmates who invite me there out of good intention I must say, but I just don't belong there, and that's the reason whythat I'm so unhappy there. When I'm with all these perfectly happy Christian friends who are enjoying their fellowship and I'm an outsider just trying to camouflage myself so I can blend into their happy faces. I feel sadness more than anything else. 

I want to say to my good friends' eyes, that I don't believe in GOD, because I don't believe he exists because I don't give a shit about who created us as humans and who created animals for us to use. That's not my world. We are too different in something fundamental that I can't socialise in this way, your way. So I think there is finally a resolution, good. I hope this is not going to be another quit-or-not-quit situation as in vet school. By the way, I have decided on that matter as well. I'm going to finish my studies and become a vet but first I need to take a year off and do something else that is not as depressing and suffocating as university life. 

Before uni started a week ago, I was so happy and free and kind to everyone and full of energy and spirit and such. After a week of uni, sad, inhibited because of people who overstimulate me, unmotivated, feeling I'm an outsider. Hell yeah, I might just go to the counsellor so frequently this year that they might suggest me take a year off. 

OK I have to mention, so as not to overreact to things. I felt immensely better when someone I know and quite like (of course not romanticly, I hate that specific usage of common words) recognised me when we were getting off the bus, and there wasn't a long way to walk before we had to part ways, and thank goodness no small talks anymore like at OCF tonight. I just hate small talks..... I feel embarassed saying all the things and answering repeated questions that I don't feel like I'm uttering those words but I'm inspecting someone who is uttering the words for me. 

Small talks are dishonest in a way, because you don't know each other, so you can't necessarily say what you really want to say, unless you are a simple-brained animal with very abundant kindness to the world and no skeptism at all. Which is not me, although I love my simple way of thinking and doing practical things that don't involve spending too much of my tactfulness or presenting likeable to others. I am a simple person with simple people, and I am a sad person with a bunch of people that I have no chance of making connection with at the same time when they are doing the small talk trick to get to know each other. 

Having said that, I guess I'm just anxious and start to stutter when I'm in a huge group of strangers who I have to talk to somehow otherwise I look lonely and miserable. It's ok to do small talks with one or two people because then we can move quickly from small to actual talks and really get to share each other's life a bit. Yeah I acknowledge I'm a simple person, and people trigger fight or flight response in me so I don't know what to act or how to say things in an unembrassing way.

过年好

北京最爱素餐厅之一!

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